


Pathetic.

by Bhalia



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide contemplation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29278251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bhalia/pseuds/Bhalia
Summary: It didn't matter if he smiled, if he repeated the same words over and over, if he rode the skateboard or practiced.Because Reki Kyan was pathetic and would continue to be.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 158





	Pathetic.

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: slightly suicide contemplation almost in the end. Beware of it.

Pathetic.

He was pathetic.

In fact it was something he already knew. He had known it so well for so long that it was starting to get stupidly painful.

Reki loved to skateboard and it was no secret to anyone who knew him, whether it was at his school or at home. Everyone could tell that the boy really used every last drop of his time in the activity. His eyes would sparkle just talking about it and his joy would intensify so much that the boy looked like a walking sun.

His life revolved around boards and competitions. The feeling of getting on a skateboard, accelerating and feeling the air against his face with an ollie or other trick felt so much better the more he did it. He couldn't see himself living without it, the boy felt he found his passion and it excited him.

But that was in the beggining.

At first it was fun. It was just him, the skate park and a whole new world ahead with his friend to discover. At first it was just learning and practicing those tricks he found on the internet that looked amazing from his eyes. At first it was just exciting, entertaining and something he started to really love.

But then came the accident.

He learned one important thing that day when he saw the boy who dragged him into that world lying in a hospital bed badly injured. It was that skating wasn't fun anymore like it used to be. He knew it wasn't going to be the same and he was going to be alone.

"It's okay." Reki said to himself. He thought that even if a part of his special place collapsed, it didn't mean that his love had too. The redhead smiled as always, raised his fist in the air and grabbed his skateboard once more to move on.

But, Reki was pathetic.

It didn't matter how much he trained, how long he worked on his boards or how much time he spent at the skate park.

He just knew inside of him that it wasn't worth it.

Take the board, ride, fall, try again, fall again, ride once more and repeat. He would do it once, twice, three times if necessary. He would modify the wheels, the material, and anything else that was possible. But it was obvious that what had to be changed was him.

And the idea wouldn't go away no matter what. He knew how to skate, he knew how to do a ton of tricks and a ton of moves, and even more. But it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough compared to the others.

If he could count how many times he lost in races he would need both hands for it. Sometimes he wasn't very fast, sometimes he fell off the board with a jump, even on unique occasions when he made it to the factory he only lost because he simply wasn't good.

They would break his boards, he would pay for his defeat with money, he would act like an assistant to the winner, and whatever else they made him do, because he was a loser.

People made fun of him, looked at him like he was an idiot and a scumbag who didn't deserve to step on the groundsof "S". Then there were those who looked at him with pity and he didn't know which was worse.

"I'll try harder next time." he motivated himself more and more. Harder than the last time. He would smile, scratch his red hair with a hint of innocence and try again, only to fail once more.

And it was a conflict. He told himself that he just had to keep going and that he would get better. That someday he would be just like Joe or Cherry. Hell, he even told himself that he would succeed in conquering all of "S" if he kept going. But a whispering voice in his head always said otherwise.

And he believed in both of them. He believed that he could be something, be somebody. And he also believed he was a scumbag and always would be. He was unable to choose which one to listen to and that made him feel so lost.

Reki tried and kept going. Because he loved skating, didn't he? That's why one of the two voices kept telling him to keep going and grow up. That's why he kept practicing until he bled and even hurt his bones. That's why he avoided shedding the tears he held back every time he failed at the races or when he came home at night exhausted to death. That's why he kept telling himself nonstop that all this was what he wanted.

But it was useless.

Because nothing mattered. Something always proved him wrong. Whether it was the fight against Shadow. When that exchange kid skated for the first time and accomplished what he couldn't in years of practice in a single night, when the one and only talented Miya laughed at him by calling him "Slime".

He knew. He knew it so damn well that it hurt. And it hurt so much that all he could do with it was smile, ignore it, and be supportive.

When Langa managed an Ollie in two weeks he congratulated him, he was genuinely happy for him. It was obvious that the blue-haired boy was talented, a prodigy even. And he was happy for his new friend. He didn't feel as lonely as before and his excitement for skating began to blossom once again.

But he couldn't help feeling bad. And not bad because Langa was better at everything he set his mind to, but because he himself was garbage at everything he wanted to.

Pathetic.

And his emotions kept sppining into a spiral of self-loathing.

Then Langa beat Miya while being a rookie, and although something like that should make him feel a little better because he was no longer the only one who also failed, the truth was that it wasn't reassuring to him. He was happy for his friend and helped the little boy to feel better about himself after the race because he didn't want him to feel the same way he did. Having an elite prodigy getting down about a battle made him feel bad, because if he failed. Well, then what was left for himself, who always did?

And from the first moment he challenged Adam to a Beef he knew he doomed himself. But could he be judged? The look on Miya's face when he spoke to him made his insides feel stirred. And that only intensified with the "King's" approach to Langa. His mouth was faster than his head as usual and only the first words that passed through his mind came out.

He could barely think his actions through clearly, he knew very well that he would fail no matter how much he motivated himself or how many hours he spent practicing, he was going to fail as always. But he couldn't take it back so easily after that.

If he escaped, who would defend the boy? who would prevent his friend from ending up in the hands of that man who was untouchable? no one, absolutely no one. He couldn't stand idly by at least, watching him mock them so casually from his position in the sky. When Adam accepted his proposal with so little good interest, well he expected it because it was him, the pathetic boy who won nothing, who got hurt in every battle and only took home the feeling of defeat over and over again.

But Reki smiled as always, ignoring Miya and Langa's concern, saying something between the lines that he was going to win for them or something. Because he had to think about them now, nothing else.

Even though he knew he was doomed.

* * *

Joe recommended him to retire once again. And so did the others, and he was just saying he'd be fine one more time. Part of him was hard-headed and it was the only decent thing he could highlight about himself. That he wouldn't stop when it was time to, because the voice in his head urged him not to.

That conflict in his emotions. He was used to that at this point in his life.

No one expected him to accomplish anything because it was Adam we were talking about. The founder, the legend, the one and only who had secrets and spookily powerful tricks. Everyone was waiting for his defeat, and he couldn't blame them in the slightest for it. Even with every other skater in the place, even a rookie who barely touched a board in his life was more talented and likely to win than he was.

But he was going to try for his friends. Because if he couldn't win for himself, at least for them he would try not to waver in fear.

"I'll be fine." he said with that bright smile. Shutting out the fear, the doubts and the feeling of being a pathetic good-for-nothing for at least those days. He didn't want to fail them, not yet at least.

* * *

A scream felt distant in his ears, drowned out by the gust of wind that beat against his body fiercely... Who was it from, where did it come from?

Oh, it was his own scream.

His throat felt cracking but it didn't hurt at all, not a tingle, not a snap. It was just a scream that vanished into thin air as he was thrown off the skateboard.

It was like one of those slow motion moments, or it was like everything went blank. Well, actually, it was like a mixture of both; a complete disconnect that left him floating in a kind of limbo. He saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. His brain shut down as if it had died in that second that passed.

And it hurt.

It hurt a lot.

His back, his arm, his neck, his head. The feeling of not existing vanished like water through his fingers, leaving behind only the hint of bitterness in its place. He felt as if he was coming back to life in a short circuit. The pain reached his brain in a spasm that slapped him into reality.

And it was static. Like the static of an old television that no longer worked and was useless, like himself. He was a useless old television.

Why did it hurt so much, why couldn't he move, what was it that happened? His eyes widened at the intangible murmur that echoed above the white noise buzzing in his head. He didn't recognize who it was but the smile on his face didn't even fade.

"... Sorry, I lost."

How stupid.

Really, so, so stupid.

* * *

Of course, he lost in the end.

He didn't expect to win, he didn't expect to come out of the battle unscathed, he didn't expect to accomplish anything else, and yet he still lost.

Reki tried again, and yet he proved to himself one last time that he was a stompable slime.

And... now it didn't even hurt. Because he couldn't force himself to feel something when he was already so used to it.

"My head's fine, I just have a broken arm. I'm fine, guys." he lied to the three people who helped him and took him to the hospital. He didn't want them to worry about someone like him, not when they were so much better. They shouldn't even think about him. In fact, he didn't understand why they cared in the first place.

He couldn't defend his friends, couldn't stop them from getting hurt, couldn't help them. He couldn't do anything, he couldn't change anything, he couldn't help it.

Why did they even take him to the hospital? He only deserved to stay on the ground, wounded and bleeding until he lost consciousness for once so he wouldn't think about him once more. He deserved nothing more than to disappear and not come back, he didn't deserve to still be there, with people looking at him with relief.

If only he wasn't there... if only he wasn't there everything would be all right, wouldn't it? He was useless. His mother and sisters wouldn't have to see him get hurt again. Langa would learn from someone who was a good skater, Miya would look for someone he could depend on and the list went on and on. It wasn't a recurring thought but it wasn't a new one either. He wondered on some days and some nights that the best thing to do was to end it all. Break his board, quit his job, never skate again, and maybe never see anyone again, and maybe never be there again. The worst part was that it didn't scare him because it comforted him to know that if it at least happened in that way, something good would come.

If only he wasn't like that.

"I'm fine."

But he couldn't help it.

It didn't matter if he smiled, if he repeated the same words over and over, if he rode the skateboard or practiced.

Because Reki Kyan was pathetic and would continue to be.

**Author's Note:**

> For my Reki kinnies! Now with my two, bisexual hands i am going to use Reki as my new Angst and Whump character.


End file.
